We begin the final saga of this journey with shots of Cusco's luscious landscape and images of its townspeople. Arie clearly short-circuits since he fails to describe it as "sexy."
"I told both women that I love them, so I don't even know how I'm going to deal with that," Arie bemoans. And somewhere off in the distance, you can hear the faint voice of a narrator whispering, "He wouldn't deal with it well."
Arie proceeds to describe the women as if they're stocks, labeling them high or low risk, and I'm pretty sure that he refers to Lauren at one point as a short sale.
"We haven't had any real conversations, but she loves me despite that complete lack of substance, and that gives me tons of confidence," he raves.
We're then reintroduced to Arie's family, with Arie Sr. summing up the current state of affairs: "Arie Jr. has a war going on inside of him."
And much like our president's Twitter wars, it's one where nobody wins.
In a completely unprecedented move, Lauren expresses insecurity prior to meeting Arie's family.
"They're going to love you," Arie reassures her. "Just have fun and be yourself... whoever that person may be, because I still don't know."
Lauren then expresses fear over the potential that she might freak out and act weird, which is obviously unfounded since she's been a shining ray of light all season long.
"So Lauren, which date stands out to you the most?" Arie's brother inquiries.
"All of them!" Lauren articulates.
The family proceeds to talk about how they're all so open and honest, because apparently they're never actually met Arie Jr. before. Lauren talks about her fear of having yet another failed engagement, which just goes to show how lucky she is to have chosen a show with such a great track record.
We cut to a private conversation between Arie and his siblings, wherein his sister asks if he's able to have real conversations with Lauren. Arie looks pensively into the sky, searching the clouds for answers, and ultimately settles on "no."
Lauren gets emotional while talking to Arie's parents, which is nice, since it quashes the theory that she's a walking lima bean, and we hear her announce that she's just excited for this all to be over, which, same.
After Lauren's exit, the family gushes over Arie's and Lauren's undeniable chemistry.
"I would think that she's the one, but maybe tomorrow I'll think Becca's the one," Arie's mom proclaims, proving that genetics truly are undefeated and that the apple doesn't fall far from the flighty tree.
The family is shown talking prior to Becca's arrival, discussing the potential difficulties involved after having just met Lauren.
"I think we can all recognize that yesterday was yesterday, and today is today," Arie's brother muses, illustrating just how much eloquence runs in the family.
It is then that we see Rebecca Jill Kufrin approach with flowers and a picnic basket like the precious cherub that she is.
"You look so good!" she exclaims while admiring Arie's denim-on-denim look... proving that Peru really does have just the right lighting.
Arie tells his family how "incredible" Becca was on their first date, which shows remarkable progress, because it means that the producers have finally given him a synonym for amazing. And Arie's brother says that Becca is super welcoming, outgoing, and easy to talk to, probably because she says words.
Becca then speaks with each member of the family who all seem to be playing a fun little game of "how many times do we have to say 'Lauren' before Becca eventually cracks?"
After the family successfully breaks her spirit, Becca departs, leaving them to discuss the happenings of the day. Arie describes Becca as "solid," which really seems to be a more apt description for a molecule than a life partner, but his family seems to agree. Arie says that it makes more sense with Becca but that there's an undeniable love with Lauren, because she's a liquid or a gas or something.
Which brings us to the moment of truth: the moment where Arie's family weighs in. The whole family chooses Becca, with Arie Sr. explaining that Arie Jr. will need the kick in the ass that Becca would provide, which marks the only genuine thing said all episode.
"This is the biggest decision of my life really," Arie says, "because it determines my future... 6 weeks."
We start Lauren's date off with an obligatory shot of a lamb, because they're actually lovable, unlike Arie, and Arie tells Lauren that they'll be traveling to Machu Picchu. "It's gonna be, like, breathtaking," the conversational wizard says.
On the train ride over, Arie and Lauren get to reminiscing about the early days of their journey.
"You forgetting that you had ever met me, because I'm likely just one in a long line of women, was so funny and cute!" she exclaims.
Arie talks about his connection with Lauren and his struggle to get her to open up.
"Along the way, there were always these glimpses of her that I saw, and I was like, there she is."
(Yes, that one's actually a real quote. And yes, listening to Arie speak feels like getting a lobotomy to me, too.)
Arie and Lauren arrive at Machu Picchu and proceed to play a game of "I'm so lucky"/"No, I'M so lucky," because apparently they didn't think that they were coming across basic enough. They then play an even cuter and even more relatable game called "Let's run away from the cameras and kiss around the bend."
"I can tell you that she has a little speckle in her left eye," Arie gushes, while the audience collectively tries to find a way to gouge out their own.
At one point, the couple sit down and admire the scenery before them.
"Look at the clouds," Arie instructs.
"I love that," Lauren replies.
And in that moment, their hearts beat as one.
Now, I know that I should probably recap the nighttime portion of their date, but in the interest of self-preservation, I'm going to make like Ashley I. and abstain. I'll just leave you with this one quote from the evening:
"I don't think that Arie would let us talk about our future all day if he knew that he was picking Becca."
The day has come for Arie and Becca to reunite, and it's raining, because of course it is. God loves foreshadowing, and He watches the Bachelor, too.
"You look so cute with your umbrella!" Becca cries, which is something only a woman in love would say.
Arie points out a cute little girl, hoping to convince the audience that he's real boy and not a lying, wooden shell of a human. The two then proceed to pet llamas, with Becca comparing Arie to one, which is honestly just insulting to the llama.
I bet the llama knows a word other than amazing.
Anyway, Arie says that the clouds are ominous, and sweet Rebecca Jill Kufrin laughs it off, unaware of the misfortune that would befall her. And all I can think while watching this train wreck unfold before me is... how does she so effortlessly pull off that low bun? When I do it, I look like a homeless person.
In any event, Becca proceeds to express her fears while Arie looks on like a sad magician. He tells her not to think about the other woman he's seeing and to only focus on them, which I'm pretty sure is the preamble to the fuckboy Constitution.
Later that night, Arie reads from her journal. She writes that, upon their meeting, her heart recognized his, which I'm pretty sure is a line from Wedding Crashers.
Plagiarism isn't a victimless crime, Kufrin.
Becca then shows Arie the adorable scrapbook that she made documenting their journey, which culminates in a page designated for their first baby, and now I'm back in my feelings, wanting to flash fly Arie's eyeballs all over again and feed them to the eloquent llama.
We arrive at proposal day with all three parties looking pensively out the window, as you do when contemplating life's trials and tribulations. Lauren's getting ready, and I'm pausing the screen to see how she curls her hair, because #goals. Neil Lane arrives and can't even pretend to believe that Arie's legit.
Arie: "I've been waiting all my life for this moment."
Eventually, they part ways, and Arie gears up to make the biggest mistake of his life: namely, wearing that suit with those shoes.
"It kills me inside that I'm going to have to say goodbye to someone for about two months until I say hello again," Arie laments.
Lauren steps out of the limo first, letting us know that she's about to have her heart temporarily pulverized. She reiterates how scared she was of letting her walls down and letting the wrong people in, which finally explains her support of Trump.
Arie proceeds to let her down gently, using words his flux capacitor self-generated and scrambled into something resembling a sentence.
"I still love you," Lauren says before parting ways with Arie.
"I love you, too," Arie says to one woman minutes before proposing to another.
Rebecca Jill Kufrin navigates down Llama Way and eventually arrives at the precipice, where she's greeted by an even less domesticated animal.
"I choose you today," Arie begins, "and I choose you... well, really just today, because there's no telling what tomorrow will bring. Will you marry me?"
"Yes! Of course" Becca exclaims.
They begin to kiss, because that's Arie Bot's default setting, and run off into the Peruvian clouds. Arie brings up having babies, because who doesn't want to procreate with someone they can't even commit to dating seriously? And while Becca talks about how hard this journey was for her, Arie pretends to be a human being with emotions. His face reminds me of that of a person who's been blind his whole life, has never seen a sad person ever, and is imitating how he thinks a sad person's face might look.
Don't worry, Arie. You nailed it.
Arie arrives at the safe house and settles in on the couch with Becca.
Arie: "How was Vegas? You know what, enough small talk. Every minute spent hanging out with you is one less minute I can spend counting alpacas with Lauren."
Arie: "You always said to guard your heart, but you didn't say to guard and protect your heart, so really, when you think about it, this is all your fault. I'm so happy I got that off my chest!"
Rebecca Jill Kufrin maintains her composure and tries to process what she's been told.
RJK: "Was this when you had your conversation with her?"
*Arie bobs his head*
RJK: "And what?"
Arie: "And when I spoke to her, I just realized that I still wanted to bone her. Look, I didn't want to be half in with you."
RJK: "So are you going to be half in with her?"
Arie: "No, because a half and a half make a whole. Bill Nye taught me that."
RJK: "You told me that you couldn't quantify why you fell in love with her. Was that just words to me?"
Arie: "No, of course not. It was a finely tuned algorithm programmed into Arie Bot... sorry, Me Bot."
Arie: "Listen, I know that you're an incredible woman, and you know that I mean it, because I didn't say amazing. And logically, we make the most sense. But Arie Jr... no wait, I'm Arie Jr... Arie Jr. Jr. doesn't think with that head."
RJK: "Don't you mean Arie III?"
Arie: "For sure, for sure."
Arie: "Listen, I was conflicted in Peru, but now I know that I want to live in the fast lane with Lauren and drink coffee with coconut milk."
RJK: "Then you shouldn't have proposed."
Arie: "I know, but before you judge me, try taking a walk in my cardigan."
Arie: "Look, do you want a few minutes to yourself, or do you want me to go?"
RJK: "I want you to leave."
Rebecca Jill Kufrin proceeds to cry, shattering the hearts of millions into pieces, and Arie proceeds to express the same amount of emotion I did this morning when I realized that I was out of peanut butter chocolate chip Chewy bars and had to settle for oatmeal raisin.
This continues on for a coon's age, and Becca eventually requests that he leave again. Arie Bot at first appears to acquiesce but proceeds to wander aimlessly around the safe house, presumably in search of his charging station.
"What did I do wrong?" cries Rebecca Jill, while looking like a vision in chambray.
Arie implores Becca to speak to him on the couch, and after much prodding, she ultimately agrees.
RJK: "I feel like my future was ripped away."
RJK: "I love you."
RJK: "I can't picture my life without you."
Production: "Damnit, can someone please charge Arie Bot, for the love of God?! I swear, the battery life better be better on Arie Bot 8S."
Eventually, Arie retreats from his docking station, fleeing the house to follow his heart to Lauren and into the DMs of college girls nationwide, leaving Rebecca Jill Kufrin to pick up the pieces of a broken heart.
And the only thing that we can think to say at this point is just...
It should have been over when he proposed and didn't say, "Rebecca Jill, are you ready to do the damn thing?!" I mean, come on... ✋🏼 #thebachelor— Amanda Stanton (@amandastantonnn) March 6, 2018
I don’t wanna look like this fucker anymore. #TheBachelor— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) March 6, 2018
I hate to say I told you so butttt... https://t.co/qe5vAdwybV— Sydney Stempfley (@sydneystempfley) March 6, 2018
For all of you #TheBachelor fans, rest assured that Arie is not welcome in Troy. Have a safe & happy Tuesday! 💍— Troy Police Dept. (@TroyMI_Police) March 6, 2018
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